Wednesday, October 10, 2007

For Special Accomplishment in the Field of Douchebaggery

I knew that, in light of the Yankees' elimination, some folks would get to have a bit too much fun with it. This profanity-laced playoff blog from Esquire Magazine (Hat Tip to Repoz at Primer) gets points for being extra classy:

Scott Raab: Why Bud Selig lets the Yankees turn the 7th-inning stretch into a faux-patriotic ritual -- not so incidentally forcing the opposing pitcher to wait an extra five or so minutes while the microcephalic Ronan Tynan quavers his meandering way through "God Bless America" -- is a mystery. No other team or town pulls this sort of crap. It's no tribute to America -- it's a tribute to George Steinbrenner's sense of entitlement and his monomania, and it's a disgrace to the game.

If another team pulled this on the Yankees, Steinbrenner would raise hell, and he'd be absolutely right to do so. And if the Yanks' pitchers could miss bats the way Tynan misses notes, the Yanks might've had a prayer against the Tribe.

And that's all the gloating I intend to do. There are Clevelanders like Steinbrenner -- whose idea of manhood is bullyragging, boasting, and buying respect -- but most of us know that sportsmanship means winning and losing with as much dignity, perspective, and grace as one can muster.

In other words, f**k the motherf**king Yankees. In their house. With Paul Byrd. With Joe Borowski. With Rudy Giuliani in his precious little VIP box. With Rocket pouting, feet up in the trainer's table's stirrups, as the team gynecologist pries apart his Hall of Fame labia. With the d**kweed Michael Kay babbling about how the Yankees are the better team.

Right. It was the gnats. It was A-Rod. It was Bruce Froemming. It simply isn't possible that the better team wasn't the Yankees, because that simply can't be true in Bombersworld. Just count the ringzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Bye-bye, you sorry bastards. Oh, and God bless America.

You know, we Yankee fans can get to taking ourselves too seriously, so we're fair game (more on this in a second, though). Rudy Giuliani is running for president as a New York Republican, which in this day and age, is like hanging a "kick me" sign on your back. He can take the heat. Michael Kay and Roger Clemens can also defend themselves. George Steinbrenner? Not so much so, anymore, but he's got a mountain of money, and I'm sure he can have Howard Rubenstein write you a stinging press release as a rebuke.

It's when you decide to disrespect Ronan Tynan that I get riled up.

Since Tynan's a physician as well as a world-renowned singer, I'm sure he has a better idea what "microcephalic" means than Scott Raab does. I'm also sure that despite those accomplishments, and the fact that Dr. Tynan was a paralympian (as a double amputee) whose world records from the 1980s still stand, Scott Raab is really well-placed to denigrate him, since Raab wrote "that Alex Rodriguez article"--six freakin' years ago--and is still bragging about it.

I get that fans of every other team in baseball feel this air of superiority over us Yankee fans. After all, they're all people of high character, built by rooting for teams who sometimes--heck, often--don't have any chance of making the playoffs. Meanwhile, we fans of the Bronx Bombers are all entitled, rude, profane front-runners--universally guilty of poor sportsmanship--who consider World Series rings to be our birthright.

I mean, we must be lousy people. We support a "faux patriotic ritual"--which obviously can't be sincere, since we're all cold blooded bastards with no conscience--that is slyly calculated to make "the opposing pitcher wait an extra five or so minutes," for the nefarious purpose of ... what, exactly? I mean, it's not like baseball innings have fixed time limits, or like the Yanks scored a ton of runs in the 7th inning this year, preying on "cold" pitchers. So what's the unsportsmanlike advantage the Yankees are taking, exactly?

It's funny how some of these "superior" sports fans--nope, no sense of entitlement or unsporting attitudes there!--show their superiority over us through displays of mean, vicious name-calling and cursing. Oh, and insulting a guy who's suffered more adversity in his life than a 59-year World Series championship drought, yet nonetheless has managed greater accomplishments than simply "inspired a hissy fit between two pro athletes (six years ago)."

In yesterday's blog I said I was rooting for an Indian-Rockies World Series. The Indians--midges aside--seemed like a quality team, whose winning would make a great story, and I had absolutely no reason to wish them anything but the best after they vanquished the Yankees. But now--even though it hurts my heart to say it--I'm pulling for the Red Sox in the ALCS, and after that, for whoever wins the National League.

You see, the Cleveland Indians haven't won in Scott Raab's lifetime--and suddenly that seems like a grand idea. A fine tradition, one that should remain unbroken, at least for the remainder of his lifetime. Stay classy, Cleveland!


Jeff said...

but most of us know that sportsmanship means winning and losing with as much dignity, perspective, and grace as one can muster.

I converted my wife from a non-baseball fan to a die-hard Hideki Matsui t-shirt wearing Yankees fan. One of the things she said that converted her was when the Yankees sent a bottle of champagne to the Houston Astros' locker room after they no-hit us with six pitchers in 2003. You know, she appreciated classlessness of that act.

Anonymous said...

People might consider "God Bless America" sincere and not some Steinbrenner egomaniacal device if there wasn't an edict in place go make sure no one left their seat while it's being sung.

Just about every park plays GBA at least once a week during the season. The Yankees do it every night and when Dr Tynan sings it, extend the 7th inning stretch longer than it should be. These are legitimate gripes.

But, wait, it's more fun to act persecuted, I get it now.

Anonymous said...

Yes it's very clever to cheer against Cleveland because Scott Raab offended your delicate sensibilities by celebrating the Yankees' demise.

All because the connection between Scott Raab and Cleveland is what again?

Anonymous said...

Whoever called Tynan microcephalic is very small-minded.

Anonymous said...

F--k the motherf--king Yankees!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh man the Yankees are such sore losers - this knucklehead wants to blame Cleveland for some Esquire writer's tirade?

"Stay classy, Cleveland"????

What a load of tripe - Cleveland outclassed the Yankees in every way possible in that short series, now you wanna whine and blame Cleveland? People put up with all sorts of b.s. shenanigans from Yankee fans all season long, and now you want to impute blame where it doesn't belong.

Incredible. You are such a sore loser. Enjoy the offseason!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, blame the bugs instead you loser - like Cleveland really planned to unleash them against an overtired sluggish Joba to make the rookster completely lose his composure. Horsefeathers.

Face up to it and blame your own team for being the inferior one on the field.